For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight. I have never been "normal" size. I think I was born a size 6x girls. I remember as a kid that the X seemed so significant in separating me from the other kids. You didn't have a size 2X (remember we're talking about kids sizes) or a size 8X ... but something about the 6X has stuck out in my mind for most of my 43 years.

By middle school I had been taken to my first Weight Watchers meeting. 1/2 cup of cottage cheese ... 1/2 cup of tuna w/ celery sticks. Nothing that appealed to a middle schooler. By high school I had alienated myself because of my weight. Others accepted me. I was "okay" with everyone, but didn't belong to anyone. I would try different things to lose weight, but never could lose more that a couple pounds here or there. I felt worse and worse about myself.

I was very active, skating 3 nights a week, softball every summer since age 5, but all the activity couldn't keep up with the calories I consumed. And while I was out and about (not holed up in my room), I still alienated myself from close relationships with friends which fostered a distrust in people.

I met a man who seemed to accept me at that weight and by golly I wasn't letting him go. I married him. It was a bad marriage that only lasted about 5 years. I married him because of a fear that no one else would have me. I married him out of due to my insecurities, but as I matured I realized that it was a mistake. We are still friends, but that's how it was meant to be, FRIENDS.

Fast forward through years of failed diets ... and a failed WLS [weight loss surgery]. I had the LAPBAND. Kept it for several months, but in December of 2006 it had to be removed. Let me tell you, I was low as I was at anytime in my life because of my failed weight loss attempts. When that band was removed, I was absolutely devastated. I went into surgery just to have it adjusted. I woke up to a nurse making a comment on the phone that let me know it was gone. I grieved. I cried. No one understood. Some were thankful that I was alive. I couldn't be thankful for anything. I couldn't even make WLS work for me. Why would nothing work? I went into a depression that was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I didn't care about anything.

Fast forward to June 2007 and the Women's World article. I read about a plan that mirrored what I was told to eat after the LAPBAND. I read and reread that article. I thought about how I had eaten for the few months that I had the band. I wondered how I could eat the same portions (actually larger portions) on my own, because the LAPBAND forced those choices on me. If you overate with the band, there were consequences ... you couldn't do it.

As I read that article there was a little (I mean "a little") glimmer of hope. I read it again ... maybe a spark of hope. I looked at what I could eat. Foods that I actually liked but seldom chose.

I logged onto the website and looked at the areas that were open to non-subscribers. The spark could be snuffed out with anything at that point, starting with the $60 membership fee. I looked at that and thought, "Dee, how many $$$s are you going to spend? You've paid a gazillion dollars already on programs, books, exercise equipment and gym memberships. This is just another $60." Spark extinguished.

I didn't sign up the first night I logged on. But I returned. Somehow that spark was smoldering.

"Come on Dee, you spent $17,000 just a year prior for the band ... what the heck is $60 more at this point?" I signed up. As I read the threads, the forums, the stories, the spark grew ... it was a flame. I started the program. It was half-hearted at first. The Negative Nelly in me just couldn't believe that it would work.

From June to late September or early October, I half-heartedly did it and lost quite a bit of weight. In October, I thought, "Good grief, this is working! Imagine what it would do if you applied yourself? At that point, I walked into the [Kimkins] Chat Room. Then, that flame went straight to spontaneous combustion and I haven't looked back since.

Sure, I have struggled along the way, I wouldn't have expected it anyother way. But when I really started participating, the energy from all the supporters, combined with a plan that works for me when everything else failed, has "caused" me to lose 108.5 lbs so far.

I'm still a work in progress, but I think my avatar says it al. On the right side there is a sad, lonely, old woman. Someone who is trying to live life, but ... just can't. On the left side, a work in progress -- smiling, taking pride in herself and proud to be a part of a eating plan and community of support that is like no other. I'm living life now and I LIKE IT!

Looking forward to taking the next 60 pounds off with everyone here at Kimkins. Okay, maybe 70 ... I don't know. Remember, I have never been "normal size".

Dee